John's G-Thoughts

As I sit here at my desk with the latest issue of GQ which has a headline that reads, "We Finally Found the G-Spot! Complete Map on Page 260," I realize that I REALLY wish my life had a G-Spot.

We all have our respective G-Spots, indeed. It's that spot on or in all human beings, that when penetrated the right way, makes you want to...well...giggle, if you will. (I'm trying to keep it G-rated!)

So I am looking at my map of life (which is just a straight line in my mind)...and I want to find my life's G-spot. Where is it? Where can I find it? I want to be able to know where it is so when I find this "spot" I can...push...and shove and capitalize on the fact that I have finally found bliss, and amazement in my life. I can tell you that Morgantown is not my life's G-spot. I love this place, but it's more like...the scrotum of my life. It holds precious things, but in the end it's just kind of gross.

What I am getting at here, is while I am really happy here in Morgantown, there are things about it that make me really sad. Why does traffic make me late for any single thing to which I need to be driving? Why do I get a parking ticket when I have a permit in my windshield? Why, no matter what, do I never feel like I have enough money? Why are girls STILL wearing Ugg boots? Why does WVU have popularity contests? Where is the love of my life? Is the love of my life my G-spot? Is my G-spot an object, or is it a thought? Maybe it's my G-thought! Did I really just type that? It has a nice little ring to it though, doesn't it?

From now on when I think of something amazing, I'm going to call it my G-thought. (c)

Anyway, I am bored and slightly annoyed at the direction in which my life is going right now. I want stability and reassurance. Is that too much to ask? Maybe not even 100% stability and reassurance, but something close to it.

Do I really think that I am going to be able to pay back these student loans when I am finished with college? Is the degree I am getting worth all the time, effort, stress, and personal setback that it has already given me, halfway through my college career?

I hope you all have something to be excited, proud about. Share it with me, so I can be excited for someone! :)



Personal note for future reference: John, today you will begin Phase 1 of Operation Shut Down. You know what I'm talking about. I mean, You know what you're talking about, since you are the one writing this.

As I sit here at my desk with the latest issue of GQ which has a headline that reads, "We Finally Found the G-Spot! Complete Map on Page 260," I realize that I REALLY wish my life had a G-Spot.

We all have our respective G-Spots, indeed. It's that spot on or in all human beings, that when penetrated the right way, makes you want to...well...giggle, if you will. (I'm trying to keep it G-rated!)

So I am looking at my map of life (which is just a straight line in my mind)...and I want to find my life's G-spot. Where is it? Where can I find it? I want to be able to know where it is so when I find this "spot" I can...push...and shove and capitalize on the fact that I have finally found bliss, and amazement in my life. I can tell you that Morgantown is not my life's G-spot. I love this place, but it's more like...the scrotum of my life. It holds precious things, but in the end it's just kind of gross.

What I am getting at here, is while I am really happy here in Morgantown, there are things about it that make me really sad. Why does traffic make me late for any single thing to which I need to be driving? Why do I get a parking ticket when I have a permit in my windshield? Why, no matter what, do I never feel like I have enough money? Why are girls STILL wearing Ugg boots? Why does WVU have popularity contests? Where is the love of my life? Is the love of my life my G-spot? Is my G-spot an object, or is it a thought? Maybe it's my G-thought! Did I really just type that? It has a nice little ring to it though, doesn't it?

From now on when I think of something amazing, I'm going to call it my G-thought. (c)

Anyway, I am bored and slightly annoyed at the direction in which my life is going right now. I want stability and reassurance. Is that too much to ask? Maybe not even 100% stability and reassurance, but something close to it.

Do I really think that I am going to be able to pay back these student loans when I am finished with college? Is the degree I am getting worth all the time, effort, stress, and personal setback that it has already given me, halfway through my college career?

I hope you all have something to be excited, proud about. Share it with me, so I can be excited for someone! :)



Personal note for future reference: John, today you will begin Phase 1 of Operation Shut Down. You know what I'm talking about. I mean, You know what you're talking about, since you are the one writing this.

Do You Ever Wanna Splash Scorching Hot Coffee In Someone's Face?

Great! Then you will be able to relate to me here.

I work at a Starbucks brewery at the downtown library at West Virginia University...and I love it to death. I work with some awesome people that make me laugh very hard.

However, every once in a while a prick will have the bad luck of being one of my customers in line. There is a particular jerk that comes in with his XXL t-shirt with his Motorola Pebl phone on his ear, and is just a complete ass to whomever answers him. He doesn't say, "Could I please have a venti vanilla latte," or "Could I please have every single muffin, bagel and cookie in the display case please, I'm fat and really need to eat everything I see."

Instead he says, "I want a venti vanilla latte." Semi-throws his credit card at me. And walks away.

. . .

Now, listen here. I don't know about you but I try to be as cordial of a person as I can, no matter what the situation is. I think that as long as I am polite, and respectful to people, they will be the same to me. So, I take a breath, and get my milk-a-steamin' and continue doing what I do best...steam milk.

So, as I am making his latte, Hefty waddles back over to the counter with the phone still to his ear, and asks me "What time does this place close?" To which I reply, "Midnight."



...and the f*cker rolls his eyes!

. . .

What?

. . .

This shit head is going to roll his ugly shit brown eyes at me as I am making him his gormet coffee?

I don't think so!

So, unfortunately for him I decided to steam his milk to 200 degrees instead of the standard 160. I think that's close to like evaporating or turning in to carbon milkoxide or something like that, but I don't care. I just a'kept on steamin' that shit with this unhealthy serial killer look in my eyes.

I handed him his venti-200 degree-vanilla-I-hope-it-dissolves-your-insides-it's-so-hot-latte to him, and he jerks it off the counter and walks away in a queeny-snap-your-fingers-and-say, "No he didn't"-attitude, and that was the end of the night.

I love my job.

U.S. Open!

Let it be known that I am in love with the fact that Maria Sharapova is the 2006 U.S. Open champion this year. Tennis is my life. Maria Sharapova is the bomb. That's the end of the story.

Now Andy, let's see what you can do against some guy named Federer.

"THE F*@% I AM!?"

Situation: Riding in the car with Person A (the driver) and Person B (the front passenger). Person A is antagonizing Person B about him turning the sound off on his phone and him texting...

...I know...

Person A: We all know that you turned your phone on silent so that we couldn't hear that you were texting.
Person B: THE F*@% I AM!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAH! I love my emotionally disturbed friends.

"Ew, What the F*@%!"

...That was my expression at least 10 times today.

1.) When I woke up.
2.) When I got on the PRT to Beechurst and it smelled like someone was sitting on my face.
3.) When I got off the PRT and almost fell on my ass because I slid on fungus/dog poop/seaweed/slime that always appears when it rains.
4.) When I tried to call someone, and realized my phone got shut off.
5.) When I realized I was wearing sandals on a day that it was raining.
6.) When I saw this chubby little boy eating a cheeseburger at the Mountainlair...on a rainy day.
7.) When I got back on the PRT and I thought I got the same one as before, and it still smelled like someone was sitting on my face.
8.) When I was waiting for Art to start at 6pm and Shane said, "You have a dead bird feather on your foot," to which I looked to my foot and there was a soggy pidgeon feather attached to my foot.
9.) When I walked out of Art at 9pm and it was dark.
10.) When this fat guy behind me on the bus back to the District was wheezing in my ear.

I love life.

I'm A Published Author!

Good news everyone! A while ago, I set a few goals in my life that I thought were reasonable. It would take some time, and a lot of effort, but I knew I could do it. I don't like to tell people my goals before they happen, because I like them to be personal. One of them was to be a published author by my 21st birthday, and it looks like that's going to happen!

I submitted a sonnet to the Allegany Arts Council that I wrote for my Poetry class last semester, for a journal/review of literature of students and professors in the greater appalachian area. It turns out they were interested in publishing it!!! The poem is called "When I Compare You to a Rainy Day." It's a Shakesperean sonnet, and it will be published in the Backbone Mountain Review this December!!! I am so excited! Hopefully this is just a glimpse of what's to come.

I had been working on a book for a few years now...on and off again. After my laptop crashed a few years ago, I lost everything and started fresh. I uploaded it to a server that no one knows about, so that it will be available wherever I am, and I can add to it whenever I want. After the success I've had with my poetry, I think I am going to start working on it again!

Just thought I'd share some good news! WOOOO!

Check out the website, with the complete list of accepted authors here.

Life on the A-List

So far it's really hard being a celebrity at a major university. Since my new record went out the mother f*cking roof platinum, everyone really wants to know me, and what I'm about. The truth is it's tough. The other day I had 5 knocks on my doors. One was for an autograph, and the other 4 were from the neighbors telling me to "shut the hell up" because I'm singing Christina Aguilera too loudly in the shower. Her new CD is good...but it won't be as successful as mine.

VH1 called yesterday and asked me if I wanted to be on Divos Live 2006. At first I thought it was for DivAs live...and I said (in a chromatic scale:), "Yes, of course!" But then they told me it was actually DivOs live...which is like Divas Live, only for men. So far they only have Chris Kirkpatrick from N'Sync, Me, John Tesh, One of the guys from Milly Vanilly, 50 Cent, The drunk Backstreet Boy, an Elvis impersonator, and RuPaul...which is really confusing to me. But hey, it's money, and I can't turn it down!

I can't turn it down, because I'm the next big thing, you see.

The other day I was at Cheddar's (no, I don't go there often so don't go there and ask the waiters if they have waited on me before...besides I had my sunglasses and Diana Ross wig on the whole time, so they wouldn't have known), and this man comes charging towards me in a frenzy. He stopped at my table and asked me if I wanted anything to drink, and I said, "Ew no, get away you sickening paparazzi wannabe fuck."

Turns out it was our waiter, and I didn't get any service. So, I called Olive Garden to ask them if we could just come over there while they shut the restaurant down for me. After a long talk with the manager about who I was, he said no. So, we just stayed at Cheddar's.

Tomorrow I expect that everyone will want an autograph so I have to go sharpen my No.2 pencils. Ciao!

Zone.Out

Writing is going to end up being my profession, so you would expect that I would be on here updating more often, right?

I've decided to rededicate myself to this blog (for the time being!). I loved writing it, and it has dated back a few years now. It's always nice to go back and read what was happening in my life at that very moment. This is the same reason I began my tennis blog from 2005 and 2006, and will continue to log my matches. It's for my own personal reference just to compare my life from a year ago or more, to today. Makes sense right?

I've given my blog a new name. Zone.In was a creative name, but I feel like that part of me has changed now. I've grown as a person on many aspects, and I feel the new title is much more appropriate. My blog isn't just a place where I go and write stuff. It's a place where I can write whatever I am feeling, which is the most important part of having a blog in my opinion.

I go back to Morgantown on Friday, so I have looked at my new design, and new title as a recharge of sorts. A new beginning. Yes, there have been other new beginnings in the past, but this time I want to actually use this text block as an outlet.

My goal for 2007 is to write at least SOMETHING every single day of the year. It will be difficult for sure, but who knows what will happen!

Hope everyone is turning to my blog for anecdotes, as always. I get lots of feedback when I write humorously, so expect it in the future. The sad part is, the anecdotes are actual events that happen in my life. Maybe I need a reality show! ;)

Ciao for now.

Cumberland Is So Duh

Duh Italy is amazing, and Cumberland sucks. This has been the worst summer ever. Where the mother F*@% is everyone?

Morgantown in a week...awesome.